Capital Hill, Day #2

The second day was spent on Capital Hill meeting with Congress. It was officially "Childhood Cancer Action Day" and meetings were set up through the Alliance. My mom hasn't been feeling well so she stayed at the hotel to work on getting better. I grabbed a cab and made my way to the Cannon House Office. I admit I felt pretty lost but with my handy iPhone as my companion and my emails at hand, I was able to make it.  
The first meeting was with the actual Congresswoman (vs the staff person) Anna Eshoo.  Our advocacy trainer said that meeting with the staff person is just as important as meeting with the representative themselves.  The staffers do a lot of the ground work so it was time well spent.  Lisa, from St. Baldrick's Foundation and I sat with the congresswoman and he staffer and I told our story. I talked about my daughters cancer, I talked about research I've done that lead me to discover the huge lack of funding, I talked about holding my daughter when she was so sick and that the medicines they use to treat her cancer were so toxic that they burnt my arm when I came into contact with G's urine. I said "pee" and I wasn't going to apologies for it. This is the truth and they needed to know. I also talked about Claudia's experience and Tianna's experience.  We ended with Anna saying she would support the bill and we would follow up.  I actually gave her a hug and I think she appreciated it. She was a really neat lady...powerful, dynamic and a "cut to the chase" type lady but very sincere at the same time. 
The next meeting was with Congressman Tom McClintock which was on my own. A quick tour through the Capital then off to meet Senator Boxer's staffer and Senator Feinstein's staffer. Both meeting went well and I felt a huge sense of accomplishment for the day.  Then it was back to the hotel for a nap, checking in on my poor mom, going to the pharmacy for some cold medicine in the hopes that she would feel better then off to the Coalition Against Childhood Cancer (CACC) informal meeting at one of the local hotels. Tomorrow is the all day inaugural meeting for this newly founded organization but I might be taking my mom to urgent care so she can feel better.  We talked about going to the ER but thought an urgent care would suffice.  We will see. The thought of going to the ER makes me cringe a little...bings back memories. But if she needs it, we will definitely go.   I'm off to get some sleep!

DC, Day #1

I told myself no matter how late and how much I needed to do, I was going to write an entry about every day of this Washington, D.C. trip because I knew it would be something incredible. Plus it's something I've never done before. 

On Father's Day (eve) after a nice celebration with the dads in our life, mom and I hopped in the car and drive to SFO for a red eye to DC. I knew I would dearly miss the girls but I was ready to have a break from the whining of my 3 year old. And I knew as soon as I walked out the door, I would really miss their gooey little fingers and squirmy little selves that crawl all over me the better part of the day; which I did.  Mom and I got a coffee, dinner and were off on a pleasant flight. We knew taking the red eye  would be rough but it was doable. The flight was only 4.5 hours (not much sleep) an we felt like zombies when we got to DC. After finding the shuttle and driving through town with the stereo blasting rap music (it really wasn't that bad), we made it to the hotel, took a nap and made our way on the Metro to Virginia to the American Society of Clinical Oncology where the Alliance for Childhood Cancer training was being held.  We got a little lost on the metro but eventually found our way. It was fun and reminded me of our trips to Europe. Once you got the hang of it, it's easy. 

Being in the room and hearing the speakers was an incredible site to see. These are people I've connected with over the past few months and started to form relationships with, people from all over the nation who have shared similar experiences and who all have the same goal in common....eradicate childhood cancer.  I've never felt so comfortable with a group of people.  One of the speakers who has been a lobbyist on Capital Hill was a cancer mom herself.  Her son was diagnosed with embryonal rhabdomyosarcoma when he was 3.  Imagine that. He is now 8. As she told her story, the tears started to fall down her face. I did my best but I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes as well. It is such an emotional journey dealing with a sick child. Most of us have experienced it in some capacity.  For cancer parents, you come to a realization that there is so little being done to better the treatments and prevent these cancers from happening that you feel you need to do everything you can to change that. 

We got a chance to meet and talk with Dr. Adamson, head Chair of the Children's Oncology Group and who will help us designate funding for research. We also talked with members of St. Baldrick's and realized we were sitting at the same table, our "California" table as their Executive Director.  I didn't realized they were founded in our home state. St. Baldrick's is the largest funder of pediatric cancer in the private sector.  One of their biggest fundraisers is the shaving of their heads. We discussed a partnership for grant funding and will further explore that area once the research funds start coming in. 

We talked about lobbying and the best ways to be efficient. We talked about the bills and acts in place and how to ask congress to support these acts (which I will share later) so they will move them further up the ladder. There is a lot of lingo I'm not totally familiar with (maybe I didn't pay that much attention in high school history class...) but things I expect to be learning over the next few days.  Tomorrow we will be meeting with House Representatives and Members if the Senate on Capital Hill. I'm really pretty excited about this. Maybe I'm naive but ill be damned if I'm not going to try to make some changes!

There are really two people who I wish we're joining us here and that is Claudia from the Team G Board and Gretchen of Cookies for Kids' Cancer. I think the world of these two ladies and I know their stories and work for childhood cancer would resonate profoundly with legislators who we will share our stories.  As I've gotten to know Claudia, I see such an amazing individual.  Having fought cancer herself and being the product of cutting edge research, treatment and medication, she IS living proof that survivorship is the end product of cancer funding.  Watching her daughter, Tianna go through antiquated treatments and not surviving has made Claudia only want to fight harder.  If you haven't yet seen the video, please click on the link:  https://vimeo.com/66606749

...And you will see what I'm talking about. 

As for Gretchen, I have gotten to know her as an inspiring, classy and dynamic lady who has already done wonders in the world of pediatric cancer. I know she would walk in, tell her story with such conviction and blow them all away.  Cookies for Kids' Cancer will always have a special place in my heart since it was one of the first organizations that reached out to me (via Michelle and Cara) and knowing how the story ties in so close to home. 

Before I get knocked into the world of dreamland, I must do a little homework for tomorrow so I can be ready and prepared. 

Thank you everyone for all of your ongoing support!!  Wish us luck tomorrow!

3 Month Scans...CLEAR!!!

Let's just cut to the chase and the good news...Gabriella's 3 month scans were CLEAR!!!!  Hearing this was music to our ears and we're once again celebrating (in exhaustion and with a bit of caution).

Tuesday was a long day starting off with an early waking time, picking up Adam from work, and heading to the hospital.  It was the usual process that we know all too well.  We ran into many familiar faces and everyone who knew G when she was in treatment was amazed at how well she looked and how much her hair had come in.  The anesthesia process was a little different this time since G didn't have her port.  She had to have the mask for her induction then an IV was placed while she was sleeping.  Since Bridget was with us and couldn't go in the prep area, we had to divide and conquer.  I took B and Adam took G.  It's never easy to see your child put to sleep and it was hard not being there with G and Adam.  Next time we'll plan better or we'll just have to start a babysitting service at Packard (hahah...a project for someone else to work on ;-)).  It would be nice because there are days where the doctors need to see Gabriella for an appointment followed by a conversation she just doesn't need to hear.  But we do our best.

We saw our favorite waiting area greeters, many of the post op nurses and some of the surgeons who all played an important part in G's treatment.  They normally call us in once G starts to wake up but she was already awake.  She wasn't happy in general but especially not about the IV.  This is pretty common the few times she's had the gas to put her to sleep.  While she was waking up, one of the surgeons came in and said to me, "We found something".... and the rest of what he said faded out because all the blood ran out of my whole body at that moment and I almost passed out.  As I was trying to listen and not panic, I realized he was talking about something not cancer related. He said they found a "fibrin sheath" where the tip of the port sat for a year and wanted to make sure it wasn't plastic.   Ugg, really?  Surgeons.  Great guy but when you are talking to a cancer parent, it would be best to lead with something like...."this isn't cancer related but.....".  G had to wait a little while longer to make sure that this outline they found on the CT wasn't a foreign body and was safe to leave as is.  After a little while longer, we finally got to leave and meet up with Adam and Bridget.  We went to the Oncology unit to say hi to one of our favorite nurses (and an old classmate) Shelley.  It was nice to see everyone being on the other side of treatment.  We even got to drop off one of our starter packages to a family whose 4 year old daughter was just at the beginning of her fight.

It's been a long week and we are emotionally and physically exhausted.  Our celebration was somewhat cut short from the call scheduling our next CT/MRI in September.  Not a fun thing to think about since we just made it through this scan.  Then of course, there are the side effects we have to watch for...secondary cancers, leukemia, possibility of infertility, bladder cancer... the list goes on...all at the cost of "curing" her.  For now, we're enjoying every moment just being with our girls and loving life!  I'm still pretty darn positive that Gabriella has beat this!!!!

We hope you can all make it help launch our foundation at the Team G Family Festival on July 7th and celebrate Gabriella's end of treatment!   It's going to be a great celebration and a lot of fun!

I've hit a wall

I figured this would eventually happen.  I didn't know how long I could keep up the mad pace without eventually having to "catch up" with rest but I was going to keep going to see what happened.  I'm sure it won't last long...maybe a day or two and I'll be back at it again.  With scans coming in less than two days, it's not so much the "scanxiety" that I'm feeling this time but the undeniable fear that lies right beneath the surface that has brought me to a standstill.  It's the anxiety I live with every day that I've turned into adrenaline and put to good use. That's probably what has kept me going this long at such a crazy pace.  

The past few months have been spent in a fabulous tizzy of adventure and living life.  We've gone from Disney World, to running a marathon, planning events, working on the foundation, to adjusting back to a busy life of school, swimming, birthday parties, extra curricular activities and just not having to sit around the house anymore.  There has been many nights staying up late making sure that Team G Foundation's message and mission comes across clearly and has been something I've been so dedicated to these past few months.  I'm so proud of what it's becoming and I'm so proud of the individuals who are a part of it...our board.  Even my girls seem excited about getting involved and helping others.  

The fact that I've needed to stay busy and fill my plate to the max is with good reason.  It's too hard to stop and re-live the memories.  Being busy has helped me live in the moment and planning....planning...(something we didn't get to do much of for the past year) has helped me move on.  Our lives have been full and we've been cherishing every moment.  I'm pretty positive that Gabriella has seen the worst of her cancer but the reality is that cancer... is cancer.  It lies so close to the surface just as the memories of every difficult moment.  They are still so fresh.  The smells...the sounds...the feelings.  For the past few months Adam I have been doing our best to process the past year little by little.  It's not easy to re-live those moments of fear and dread especially when they can resurface so quickly and easily.  Looking at pictures we took of the difficult moments just brings me back to that place in time and the tears can come rushing back quickly. We meet those tears with resistance and push them back down with the understanding that we will probably visit them again soon.  I often can't look at the pictures for more than a moment because it's just too painful.  The fact that I can still listen to my daughter laugh, watch her run around and play, hold her tight in my arms and kiss her precious little head is a luxury I do not take for granted.  Some parents don't have this luxury and my heart breaks for them.  Other parents will face this reality all too soon. 

GABRIELLA

What can I say about G...she's just an incredible little girl!  She's been growing like a weed and her hair is coming in beautifully.  The other day, she came up to me wiggling her tooth and said, "mommy, what's this?"  I told her it was her first loose tooth and she was so proud of herself!  A couple days later, it came out and she got a visit from the tooth fairy.  She also lost the tooth right next to it about a week laster...then "lost" that one in the parking lot.  The tooth fairy still came after she wrote a nice note to her letting her know about the lost tooth ;-).  Gabriella is back in swimming lessons (as is Bridget) and has been doing so amazing!  The first day, she jumped back in the water like she hadn't missed a beat.  

We've also taken a couple of trips to Vine Hill to get her registered for kindergarden.  I really don't know if I'm ready for this step but I guess I'm going to have to be.  It just seems like we missed such a big chunk of her pre-k years and in all reality...we did.  She is really excited about kindergarden and was asking me all about it after taking her preschool graduation picture.  

We let her know we're going back to the hospital for her "pictures" and she let us know she's really excited to take her "dizzy nap".  I wish I shared her enthusiasm.  

BRIDGET

The tooth fairy came for G on the same night the "ME" fairy came for Bridget...May 7th, the day before her 3rd birthday.  The "ME" or her pacifiers have finally flown off with the good fairy that will take them to the hospital for the new babies who need them. Whew.  Adam and I were not looking forward to that day but with the months of telling her that the "me" fairy would be coming soon, she really was prepared.  She gladly left them at the front door before bed and didn't have too much trouble falling asleep.  The fairy brought her a new pink hamster house for their pet "Peaches".  Yes, Peaches is still surprisingly with us.  There were some tears the days following but I think she was really proud of herself for taking this big step.  The next day we celebrated her birthday with a pony candylicious party.  She's been doing amazing in swimming as well and has just followed her big sister's lead.  Bridget is an incredibly generous little girl.  She is still 3 and has her moments but she is always willing to give G whatever she has that G wants...which is pretty much everything. 

BIG SUR MARATHON

The marathon....it was the hardest, coldest most beautiful race I've been in and it was awesome!  So awesome, we're gonna do it again next year!  The day after getting back from Florida, I packed up and headed off with my dear friend Angela and her husband Alain to Big Sur.  We set up camp and were able to get a good night sleep before heading to the starting line in the morning.  It was a foggy morning and the cold was lingering throughout most of the race.  We were blasted with cold wind at the top of most of the passes and it was cold.  The sun came out for parts of the race but overall, it was chilly.  I kept thinking in my head that no matter what, I was going to finish and see my girls and hubby at the finish line.  (I even got to see Uncle Ronnie ;-)  I thought about everything G went through and it motivated me like nothing ever has.  A couple of times near the end, I had to hold myself back from bursting into tears.  The pain was there and as one of the motivational sayings reminded us...it's only temporary.  The glory will last a lifetime.

MAMA'S NIGHT OUT

What an incredible night this was.  I did my best to keep up with Michelle and Cara to help plan for the event but they are just too good at it!  The commitment and the dedication that these ladies put into it was incredible and it showed in how amazing the night was.   They raised over $52,000 that night!!!   $42,000 is being sent to Cookies for Kids' Cancer and Jacob's Heart.  I had the honor of introducing the Warrior Mama's and childhood cancer survivors (and with a little more preparation and practice, this will come more easily the next time.  This was very difficult and amazing all at the same time.  The beginnings of the night, I got to talk with all these ladies and hear the stories of some I hadn't heard before.  I also got to talk with the young survivors and stood there in awe of them just knowing what these young girls had gone through.  Adam brought his Captain Beau and Firefighter Jimmy to auction off the Firehouse Dinner.  It was so great to have these guys come to help us raise money for the cause.  It ended up my fun loving sister-in-law bought the dinner!  Some of us went to the balcony and got to send off lanterns into the nights sky courtesy of Angela.  It was just a wonderful night and to be such a big part of it by working with these ladies and meeting the mom's and survivors, was even better.  

Here is the video if you missed it:  http://vimeo.com/66606749

TEAM G FOUNDATION
I've never felt so passionate and so dedicated to making something like this happen.  I've spent hours, many late at night thinking, planning, adjusting and just making sure that everything is coming along the way it should.  There is so much to do and I feel at times I've become obsessed.  I often have to pull myself away and check back in with reality.  More on that later.  For now, what we are doing and what we are going to accomplish is helping all of us with perspective in our own life and it gives everyone a great sense of unity and strength that we can do this together.

DISNEYWORLD
I decided this needed a whole post on it's own so I'm working on that.  Stay tuned for pictures...it was incredible!!



Life's little reminders.....

The other day I spent over an hour marinating in a heavily chlorinated pool and even after 3 showers, I still smelled of chlorine.  But seeing both Gabriella and Bridget flourish in the water because they both felt safe with me nearby and having my full attention made me want to sit there forever.  I'm not a perfect parent by any means.  Heck, I've been so busy these days just doing things, I sometimes wonder what my kids think.  I still get frustrated with my children at times, especially now that Bridget is in her 3's but more than ever before this whole journey, I have the ability to take a step back and put things into perspective.  I look at my G and I'm still able to hug her, to kiss her little cheeks and head that is growing this amazingly beautiful new hair and I am SO grateful.  So often, I read about cancer parents loosing their child.  It makes me even more grateful...for every tear, scream, glass of spilt milk, all the laundry....for all of it.

Good night for now.

Kristin

Team G Foundation

Dear Team G Supporters and Childhood Cancer Advocates,

This past year you have been a part of "Team G"; 5 year old Gabriella Cosner's fight against cancer.  Through the year, you gave support, encouragement, and inspiration to our family in some way.  Adam and I were so humbled by the goodness of family, friends and strangers willing to support us during an incredibly difficult time.  We saw the outpour of love and support for children fighting cancer and vowed to keep it going for other parents and children facing the same situation.

Through our journey, we started meeting more families and their children who were stricken with cancer including a local teenager named Tianna who was fighting the same cancer as Gabriella.  We learned that the National Cancer Institute dedicates less than 4% to all 12 types of childhood cancer, we knew more needed to be done.  We also learned that there were many life saving projects just sitting on the shelves and trials that couldn't take place because of lack of funding which pushed our motivation even further. Ideas started generating from making a difference with families on a personal level to researching on a national level.  These continued on a path of meetings, paperwork, internet searches, website building, finding board members, talking to lawyers, fundraisers, more internet searches, etc. and everything started to come together to turn Team G into Team G Foundation.  Our mission came to realization. The first part is to provide "starter packages" with the help of oncology social workers to newly diagnosed families at pediatric hospitals across the nation.  The second part was to raise funds for clinical trials for pediatric cancer research.  With the help of pediatric oncologists from the Children's Oncology Group, which provides treatment plans for more than 90% of children battling cancer, we will begin to fund research appropriately. 

Team G Foundation is about all children fighting cancer and a community of nationwide support behind them.  We have officially launched Team G Foundation; a childhood cancer foundation which will raise funds for researching new and less toxic treatments and support families fighting pediatric cancer. Together we will fight this insidious disease until no other parent hears the words...."your child has cancer".  We will do whatever it takes to  fund further cancer studies in children, find research studies for progressions in treatment, and ultimately find a cure.  Until then, we will support families fighting their child's cancer with the resources on our website, with stories of children that have inspired us and with our "starter packages" for families newly diagnosed with pediatric cancer. We are in the process of obtaining our 501(c)3 nonprofit status, which we expect to be completed in a few months. 

"FIGHT FOR GOLD"

With my husband and I being fit and athletic as well as our board members either being CrossFit trainers, marathon runners, cyclists or just all around darn good athletes, it made sense to have a workout regimen as the main component of our fundraising.  We created the "Fight for Gold" challenge where individuals register their workout (100% of the proceeds are used directly for funding research and family support), obtain sponsors, and perform a 7 minute workout on the 7th of every month in honor of the 7 children who die of pediatric cancer every day.  You can read about it here: http://teamgfoundation.org/fight-for-gold-challenge/.  It's easy, it's fun and it's a win-win for everyone!

"FAMILY FESTIVAL FUNDRAISER"

Please save the date of July 7th, 2013 for Team G's "Family Festival Fundraiser" where we can introduce our foundation and our mission.  The Festival will be held at Redwood Estates Pavilion at the following location from 12pm to 6pm.

21450 Madrone Dr. Los Gatos, Ca 95066

We will have live entertainment, food, drinks, bouncy houses, pony rides, face painting, and a fun atmosphere for families and kids to enjoy an afternoon of fun and learn about Team G Foundation.  We will also have a silent auction for everyone to bid on some great items!  

If you would like to be a part of helping plan this event, please send an email toTGteamgfoundation@gmail.com or krisycos1@gmail.com.  We will happily take donations and help to plan an amazing fundraiser where we can start raising funds toward our mission!  There will be more information to follow as well as many more fundraisers ahead including our CrossFit Obstacle Course, our Bake Sale for Cookies for Kids' Cancer, Adopt a Family with Jacob's Heart, and more.  

"BORDER TO BORDER FOR CHILDHOOD CANCER!!!"

Please be on the lookout for our very own Bill Sylvester who plans to ride from the border of Canada to the border of Mexico in the month of September in honor of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and to raise funds for Team G Foundation!!!  We are ecstatic about Bill's ride and will be setting up a donation page, flyers, establish a route and much more to support Bill in his journey.  

We can't do this alone....so please help us make a difference in the lives of these children by helping fund childhood cancer research.... and their parents who begin their journey with pediatric cancer.

Please visit our website at www.teamgfoundation.org and "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/teamgfoundation.  The more likes, the more awareness, the more we can do for childhood cancer.  

From all of us on the Team G Foundation Board, we thank you!

A Good Post ;-)

Well, the last couple of days I've been thinking about this great post I was going to write since last week was a little difficult.  Then, tragedy struck...in Boston.  Damn.  This one shook me up pretty good especially since the Big Sur is coming up in a couple of weeks.  A bombing at a marathon?  Really?  The thing that struck me most is because the end of a marathon is a cause for celebration, the completion of a grueling challenge, the sweet smell and sight of the finish line....especially at the Boston marathon.  People train their asses off to qualify and run this race...literally.  Now, the sanctity of this race is poisoned.  We've seen it happen again and again at elementary schools and high schools all over the nation.  For the last year, I haven't been able to follow these school shootings or process the aftermath of these devastating acts.  It was just too difficult.  This one, I took it in. There are no words for these senseless acts of pure terror.

I've found a couple of quotes that will stick with me in these tragic times:

"When I was a boy and would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping'."- Mister Rogers

"You must not loose faith in humanity.  Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." -Gandi

Back to our lives....

Besides an up and down last week with emotions, this and that, we are all doing great!  I got my long run in (yay) and it felt amazing!  Gabriella and Bridget are loving school and loving being on the go.  G is getting some lovely locks and looks amazing.  Bridget is doing her best to keep up but get's pretty tired by the end of the day.  She dropped her naps back when we were staying home a lot just being mellow.  Now, she realizes she needs a nap and will often fall asleep in the car.  She could probably use some "routine naps"but I don't think she will comply.  Plus, we are having too much fun running around during the day.  If she sleeps for more than an hour, she'll be ready to party till 10pm....and that's parents time!

We got to see our Wish Granters, Jan and Gene a couple of days ago to get us all ready for Disney World.  We are all SO EXCITED!!!!!  I started packing up yesterday even though we leave on friday.  I just can't wait!!  It's going to be a fabulous trip and we are all really happy to spend time with each other.  They even have a parent's night where they watch the kids and mom and dad get to go to dinner!!  Whooo hoooo!

I've been hard at work on helping plan Mama's Night Out, which is already sold out to 420 local women.  With the organization and motivation of Cara and Michelle, along with the Jacob's Heart Crew, Susan, Deb and Judy, it is going to be an amazing event.  I can't say this enough that I am so honored and proud to be a part of this amazing community of women.  Team G Foundation is getting rolling as well and I'm really excited about this!  Its taking a lot of time and energy but I am motivated and determined to see it through.

I hope everyone has an amazing rest of the week and we will post more pics from Disney World!!

Kristin

PS.  Thank you for all your encouragement when I was down last week.  I know these things will happen and I'm lucky to have people like you helping me through the rough times.  Even though it lasted only a few days (besides the GI and vertigo issues..blah) I wanted to share it with you all especially for those who have been through the experience or those who will experience it.  It's ok and you're not alone.  Much love to all of you!

Is this what PTSD feels like?

It's been a roller coaster of an emotion this last couple of days/weeks and I'm feeling the "post treatment" anxiety and stress that I've heard other cancer parents talk about.  Where every pain, or every soreness, or anything that isn't totally right means everything is totally wrong and the cancer has come back.  I'm finding myself wanting to be distant from friends who I'm not really sure have gotten the trauma that we've been through this past year.  I think I'm just having some anxiety from G being out of treatment and wondering if this monster is going to come back.  The fear... the fear of relapse is there....it's so real and it's present.  There's nothing I can do to make that fear go away and it makes me feel out of control.  I find myself needing much reassurance for being a good parent, being a good mom... so I go to those who have been there; my cancer parent friends and I ask them, "why am I feeling so terrible, about everything....when I should be feeling so great? And back and forth.  The wounds are still there, still very fresh and they have not healed.  The pictures and the feelings are still so fresh in my memory....leaving her in the MRI department after inducing with sedation, leaving her in the PET scanners...sedated, leaving her in the OR...sedated.  My little peanut...I had to leave her so many times.   I got a whiff of something that reminded me of the toxic smell Gabriella used to emit after her long chemo's.  God, I hate that smell.  I'll never forget that smell and it will bring me back to those times in the hospital having those poisons running through my little girl's IV lines.  (And now tears are pouring down my face).  I don't know how a parent lets this happen to their child and doesn't suffer the consequences.  I don't think there are any.  We are the ones that hold our children down, sign the papers for their bodies to be cut, burned and poisoned.  Our precious little babes we held in our arms and fell in love with the day we met....equivalent to the brightest part of our life to the darkest of moments having to walk away from our child while strangers "fixed" them.  And after all of that....there are NO guarantees.  None.

I met a friend the other day.  She said so casually, that I was doing the right thing.  We've been through a ton this past year and I was feeling like a guilty run down mom who couldn't do everything I needed to do for my children...but that it was ok.  That's all I needed.  All I needed to hear.

I know its temporary and the feelings will pass.  It's just part of the ride.